Mokelumne Coast to Crest Trail, Patti’s Point – Oct.3.2017

We hiked all afternoon until dusk… an unbelievably hard 13 miles with more steep inclines and gulch descents than I thought I’d ever be able to make it through. I felt angry and blissed out, sore and exhausted, uplifted and fierce. All the things that go together and all the things that don’t. And the state of my spirit changed from what felt like moment to moment to moment.

Kind of like this past 25 months to the day.

In some ways, it feels like the time has flown by and I can’t believe that it’s been so long. I honestly can’t account for most of it. It’s like I’ve been floating in a grief filled daze, spiked with joy dreams and chaos, and I’m sleep drunk as I’m slowly waking.

Grieving looks just like this. It feels just like this. There isn’t any appropriate timeline or ever getting over It. It is ugly with its darkness, relentless in its continual process. It steals youth and hours and days and shine and hope and innocence.

It is these things because it has to be.

Every time I get through a day when missing you guts me all over again… every time I reflect on your hurting heart and wish I could turn back time and love you harder… every time it washes over me that you are gone… another piece of me dies with you. But, and this is the thing. I also heal a little bit.

Healing looks just like this. It feels just like this. It is beautiful with its reconciliation and understanding and growth. It is forgiving in the empty places that will never be filled again. It is gentle with damaged spirits and broken hearts.

It is these things because it has to be.

Not a day goes by, Jennifer June ♡

Jacie

 

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